


Redemption is Beautiful !ON HIATUS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!

by Hitaka5Ever



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Inappropriate Use of the Force, M/M, Medication, Medicinal Drug Use, Panic Attacks, Redemption, Smut, hitaka, kytaka
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-11
Updated: 2017-01-12
Packaged: 2018-09-16 20:29:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9288398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hitaka5Ever/pseuds/Hitaka5Ever
Summary: ON HIATUS UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE!After Lieutenant Mitaka witnesses Kylo Ren having a panic attack during a training session, he puts it upon himself to get the help the Knight needs in order to recover from his downfall against Rey. But what transpires along the way is nothing they could have ever imagined. Their redemption is beautiful, in more ways than one...





	1. Redemption Part 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [annea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/annea/gifts).



> **Ship:** Kylo Ren/Mitaka (Kytaka)  
>  Originally this was just gonna be 3 parts on my drabble collection for Mikylux, but with part 3 already at 10 pages and no end in sight, I figured it needed its own fic. Part 1 will be posted now, part 2 later today, and I'll try my best to get part 3 done soon. I figure this will have 6 chapters total, but we'll see

_It’s too much, it’s just too much, it’s driving me_ _**crazy** _ _! I can’t_ _**breathe** _ _!_

It had only been two months since Starkiller had been destroyed and Kylo Ren had been hospitalized for his terrible injuries inflicted by that scavenger girl named Rey. The assumption was that he would make a speedy recovery with minimal scarring, including the terrible gash on his face, and that the First Order could try once again to destroy the Resistance and end the Republic’s reign. However, no one could account for the mental toll that would forever haunt the pet Knight of Supreme Leader Snoke.

There were plenty of options they could use that would be beneficial to anyone but Ren. He _refused_ to be put on medication for mental instabilities such as the ones he now suffered from. He was far too prideful, too _stubborn_ to accept such generous help. In fact, he would rather endure the haunting dreams and visions he suffered through almost on a daily basis than swallow down some damn pills. The Force alone should just be enough, and for Kylo Ren, only it would be his cure. And if the Force couldn’t do it, then he may as well just let the sickness consume and kill him.

On the first week of the third month, Kylo Ren had been attacked with panic of the mind at least twice a day. It was far worse whenever he closed his eyes, but he had to sleep. He had to get his strength back in time for the First Order’s new plan to come to fruition, but the pains he suffered through just wouldn’t give him a _break_. He tried to preoccupy himself with hologrid training nearly the entire day, but with the lack of sleep and proper protein intake, he was sloppy and looked as if all of his training had been for nothing. When the holograms would get the upper hand and fight him tooth and nail, those memories of the girl returned and he felt his long-since-healed wounds ache and sting again.

It didn’t take long for Kylo Ren to finally break for the day, and he collapsed to one knee, feeling his chest tighten, making it near impossible to breathe. A hologram charged at him once it realized he was incapacitated, but before it could inflict fake harm, the program came to an abrupt end and the holograms vanished. Up inside a balcony that housed the control room of the hologrid, an intercom came on and a male voice spoke to Ren.

“What is your kriffing problem this time?!”

Kylo Ren almost couldn’t hear it, but he got the gist of it and he forced himself to expel hard breaths in order to respond. “It’s too much, it’s just too much, it’s driving me _crazy_! I can’t _breathe_!”

“…You know _exactly_ what needs to be done, you simply refuse to _do it_!”

“K-Kriff off you insignificant _b-bug_!” Ren snapped.

“That’s it, I’m done! If the Supreme Leader wants you to fix your damn self, then he will just have to appoint _somebody_ _else_ to do it for him!”

Before Kylo Ren could retort, the intercom was shut off and he heard someone pound their fist on the control panel. Gritting his teeth and snarling at himself, he hunched his body over forcefully while grabbing his luster black hair, which had to be cut back during his recovery, with his hands. It would take some time before the volume of it returned to what it once was, but that was the least of Ren’s problems.

“General, come _back here_!” There was no response. Getting angrier and more panicky now that he was all alone, Ren threw himself to the floor on his side like a wounded animal. Closing his eyes, he yelled out his frustration. “DAMM _EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET_!”

Not thinking clearly in his enraged temper and feelings of dying, Ren started inflicting damage on himself, mostly using his hand to hit and pound on his head. It was very painful to do this due to his strength, but at least the pain reminded him that he was _alive_. As Ren began to punch his own lights out, the vast room’s door slid open and the weak echo of boots filled the room. He was able to stop himself in time in order to whip out his lightsaber, turn it on, and spin around on one foot and one knee, lashing out at whoever was coming. His eyes widened when he recognized the black-haired, male officer from the very first time he even heard of that blasted girl. As the tip of the lightsaber was about to slice into him, he came to a sudden halt, his dark brown eyes widening in fear. He took a stumbling step back when Ren growled in anger at him.

“What the _kriff_ , do you _want_?” he bit out.

Swallowing down the lump in his throat, Lieutenant Dopheld Mitaka forced himself to stand at attention, his trembling hands overlapping behind his back. “Kylo Ren, sir, I-I was just… You see, I am General Hux’s personal assistant, and I…I-I couldn’t help but notice that you- Well sir, I know it’s not my place to-”

“Kriffing _spit it out_ you pathetic little _cockroach_!”

Mitaka cowered back again, but he still wanted to get his thoughts out, so he forced a determined look on his face and stepped forward, straightening out.

“I understand what you are going through, sir,” he said flatly.

“Oh really?”

Mitaka’s hands flinched behind him at the stern tone. “Yes.”

Kylo Ren eyed him momentarily before getting to his feet, gripping the hilt tight in one hand. Mitaka had to lift his gaze as he stepped close to him, towering over him like a dark storm cloud. The Lieutenant felt his heart racing in his chest and he feared Ren would hear it. But he forced himself to stand his ground, keeping up his stiffened military stance. There was a long moment of silence as the two stared at each other. Eventually, Ren’s hand tightened around the hilt of his lightsaber, fingering the switch to turn it on if necessary. Mitaka could hear his gloves rubbing against the steel handle as he did.

“Tell me, _worm_ , are you able to use the Force? Do you have to struggle between the light and the dark every second of every day? Have you made the hard decision to take the life of your parent in hopes that it will end that struggle? Or better yet, did you have to endure getting sliced in the kriffing face by going up against another Force user that should not be _better_ than me, but nearly killed me _anyway_?! And are you _still_ trying to recover from the aftermath of that kriffing _shit_ all these months _later_?!”

Mitaka swallowed hard, trying not to back down by keeping his eyes on Kylo Ren’s ever growing infuriated face. “N…No-”

Turning the lightsaber on, Ren raised both arms beside him and bent his knees in a rage stance, the invisible energy of the Force wafting off his body in dangerous wisps that rose in the air and gently ghosted over Mitaka’s face. “Then how in the ever galactic _hell_ could you _possibly_ under _stand_ what I am _GOING THROUGH_?!”

At the last second, Ren slashed diagonally with the red blade in front of Mitaka, making him flinch and close his eyes tightly out of reflex and fear. The lightsaber crackled and sparked loudly due to the cracked kyber crystal malfunctioning briefly. There was a few seconds pause once it died down, giving Mitaka the confidence he needed in order to re-open his eyes and look at the seething Kylo Ren. He returned to standing his ground again, determined to get out what he wanted to tell the Knight since he observed his test battle with General Hux before he blew up again.

“Yes, sir, you are right: I have not had the misfortune to deal with all of those things you have gone through and continue to go through on a daily basis, but I am _not_ talking about any of them.”

Swiftly, Kylo Ren lifted the blade in front of Mitaka’s face, getting it very close to his nose and thin lined lips. “Then _what_ , pray tell, are you kriffing, _talking_ ,  _about_?” he hissed.

Mitaka’s hands began to tremble again, but he curled them into tight fists to stop it. Then his brow furrowed in the middle as he tried hard to squash his fears.

“I am referring to _panic attacks_ , sir.”

An unsettling, bitter silence fell between the two men. Ren stared down at him with narrowed, disbelieving eyes, his mouth open a bit. Mitaka continued to stare sternly at him, not wanting to back down no matter the consequences. He was determined to make Kylo Ren understand. After a few more seconds, the knight slowly lowered the lightsaber and hesitatingly turned it off. The loud hum sound that came from it died down, putting the room in silence once more. It wasn’t very noticeable, but Mitaka saw his shoulders drop a few centimeters. Ren then released a hard breath from his nose before taking half a foot back from the Lieutenant.

“ _You_ , have panic attacks?”

“Yes, and no,” Mitaka answered carefully. Ren’s eyes narrowed imperceptibly as the Lieutenant continued. “I have had acute anxiety and a terrible panic disorder for as long as I can remember, sir. Because of this, I was almost unable to join the First Order at all since it is a high-end, _stressful_ job. But because of my near perfect Academy grades and the generous endorsement from my physician, I was able to rise through the ranks the same as everybody else. It is far from easy for me to _not_ let my disabilities ruin my life while working under you and General Hux, but I am able to manage it just fine. And how am I able to do that, sir?” Kylo Ren didn’t answer. A slightly stern look appeared on Mitaka’s face. “Because I am not _afraid_ to take my daily, double dose of anti-anxiety medication, that’s how.”

Ren glared at the emphasized word. “I am not afraid-”

“With all due respect, sir, I just watched you have a full blown panic attack all because of a _hologram_. You _refuse_ to take something that would _help you_ sleep and train and regain your strength because you are _afraid_ of looking _weak._ Well I am sorry to inform you, Kylo Ren, sir, that by _not_ taking medication, you are revealing _exactly_ what you don’t want people to see. You would rather keep your damn _pride_ intact than get better.” Kylo Ren’s hands curled into tight fists. Feeling braver now, Mitaka took a step closer. “I was able to swallow my pride in order to stay here, sir, so _why_ can’t _you_?”

A dense air filled the room around the two men after Mitaka’s monologue. Kylo Ren blinked down at Mitaka, deep in thought. He wasn’t aware of it, but after nearly screaming at the Lieutenant and inadvertently having him distract the Knight, his panic attack was over. That tightness in his chest had ebbed away and he could breathe again. And it was all thanks to this young Lieutenant of the First Order that he had nearly killed so long ago…

“You are a…very interesting man.”

A split second smile showed up on Mitaka’s face. “I have my moments, sir.”

Ren looked off to the side. “I have been given a hundred reasons as to why I should use medication to help me, but none of them were as convincing as yours.”

Mitaka perked up a bit. “Does this mean you’re going to take the medication?”

Looking back at him, Kylo Ren replied, “Yes. But I…cannot do it alone.” He shifted his weight to one side while rubbing the back of his head. “Would you…do it with me?”

Mitaka blinked. “Sir, are you asking for my help?”

Ren lowered his hand. “Yes, Lieutenant, I am.”

Mitaka smiled. “Yes sir, I would be happy to.”

A small smile tugged at the corners of Ren’s mouth. “Thank you.” Mitaka nodded. Sighing, Ren stepped to the left of him to stand beside him. “I am ready.”

“Yes sir.”

With the Lieutenant in tow, Kylo Ren left the hologrid and walked through the Finalizer with an air of authority about him as he headed for the hospital wing. By the time they barely began, Ren noticed that Mitaka walked behind him with a few paces between them, rather than right by his side, like Ren had done with General Hux before. The Knight didn’t like it.

“Lieutenant-”

“Yes, sir?”

“-Walk next to me.”

Mitaka blinked in confusion. “Erm, I do not wish to overstep anymore times than I already have, sir.”

Ren looked back ahead. “Sometimes, Lieutenant, overstepping authority is absolutely necessary…” Mitaka still didn’t change his pace. “Come walk beside me, please.”

Stopping dead in his tracks, Mitaka’s eyes widened. When he saw Ren getting further away, he jolted and then walked briskly after him to catch up. Nervous, he came up to his right side, checked the length of his strides in order to mimic and not step forward or fall behind, and was walking with Kylo Ren like they were equals. A sense of gratitude and apprehension filled him at the same time.

“May…I ask _why_ you want me up here?”

Ren glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. “I cannot very well talk to you properly if you’re walking behind me, don’t you think?”

Mitaka looked up at him sheepishly. “I-I guess so.”

Ren frowned. “You tail the General all the time. Does he _make you_ walk behind him a few paces back?” Mitaka just nodded. The Knight snorted. “Rude.” Mitaka blushed lightly at that. He stared at the floor as they walked, trying to maintain his pace with Ren. They didn’t speak for some time, but then Ren spoke again. “We have only met one other time, but I remember you.” Mitaka glanced at him. “I remember because you looked like you were going to piss yourself.”

“Oh.” An unsettling silence appeared for a few seconds. Mitaka scratched the side of his neck with one finger. “Well now you understand why.”

Ren lowered his gaze to the floor, not wanting anyone to see the look of shame on his face. “I am sorry,” he said, not much above a whisper.

Mitaka hardly heard him. “I’m sorry, what did you say, sir?”

Ren sighed before trying again, speaking louder this time. “I said, I am sorry for what I did to your neck.”

A smile appeared on Mitaka’s face. “Thank you, sir. And apology accepted.”

They continued to the hospital wing in silence after that. When they got closer to the start of the wing, Mitaka tried to walk one pace ahead of Ren to get a better look at him. “Would you like to go to my physician? I’m sure he can prescribe the medicine you need.”

“Yes, that is fine. I do not have an assigned physician anyway.”

“Will you permit me to lead the way to his office?” Mitaka asked.

Ren nodded. “Permission granted.”

“Okay, this way.”

Mitaka took them down a side corridor after a few more feet and then they were off at a regular stride again. It didn’t take long to reach a door with a temporary sign that said “Dr. P. Jameson”. Stopping in front of it, Mitaka knocked three times. Right behind him and to the Lieutenant’s left, Kylo Ren felt anxious, but he kept reminding himself what the Lieutenant had said. Getting the help he desperately needed and doing it with someone who understood what it felt like was what had to be done. If anything, Ren just wanted to be able to _sleep_.

The door slid open and a voice from within told them to come in. Mitaka was about to step forward, but Ren grabbed his shoulder to stop him. The Lieutenant glanced back, confused. He barely noticed Ren's Adam’s apple move as he swallowed.

“Just…wait out here.”

Mitaka wasn’t so sure, but it was a command, so he nodded and took a step away. “Yes, sir. If you need me, I’ll be here.”

Nodding, Ren walked inside. Mitaka stood by and watched the door closing, not before hearing his doctor say, “Ah, Knight Ren, I had wondered when I would-”

Releasing a relieved breath, Mitaka moved to the wall and leaned back as he waited for Kylo Ren’s return.

* * *

Mitaka had to wait almost an hour before the door opened and Kylo Ren stepped out. The Lieutenant immediately became alert and stood at attention. Ren lifted his hand.

“At ease, Lieutenant.”

Mitaka relaxed his stance some. “How did it go, sir?”

“Fine,” Ren answered curtly while turning away. Mitaka followed him as they started down the corridor. “I must take injections, one in the morning and one at night.”

Mitaka nodded. “That is my schedule as well. Do you take a full dosage too?”

“A full one, and then some. Your physician said that my panic disorder is slightly worse than yours, possibly because of the Force causing far more mayhem to my brain than I would like.”

“Well, then I guess I recant what I said earlier about knowing your plight, sir.”

Ren glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. “No, that is not necessary. You are all I have that can get me through this.”

Mitaka looked off to the side. “I don’t know what much else I can do-”

“Nonsense. You can teach me your methods of pulling out of a panic attack if they occur, as the doctor said it might for the first few weeks since the Force is so strong within me. The injections can only do so much in the beginning.”

“I suppose I could, sir.”

Ren actually smiled at him. “I knew I could count on you.”

Mitaka couldn’t help but smile embarrassingly at the compliment. “Th-Thank you, sir…”

“You don’t get many compliments and praises, do you, Lieutenant Mitaka?”

“Er uh, n-no sir, not really.”

Ren snorted. “No doubt the General forbids such pleasantries from his mouth.”

“I do not wish to speak ill of the General, nor hear about it,” Mitaka said somewhat sternly.

Since they were in an empty corridor, Ren increased his stride a couple of steps before turning to face the Lieutenant, making him stop abruptly and feel nervous. “I would tread carefully if I were you, Lieutenant. Just because I am willing to let you help me, does not mean you can undermine me like that.”

Sweat appeared on Mitaka’s brow. “M-My apologies, sir…”

There was a pause before Ren looked away and turned back around. “Your admiration for the General is honorable, if not a bit pathetic.”

“Would you still say that if I said I admire you, sir?” Mitaka asked curiously.

Ren looked at him. “Do you?”

“What would you do to me if I said no?”

This managed to amuse Ren. “Nothing. Remember, I need your help. It would be counter-productive to ruin our…new relationship.”

“Then I am sorry, but no, I do not. I have a hard time admiring someone who tried to kill me.”

“I thought as much.” Ren looked back ahead. “I wouldn’t accept any other answer, Lieutenant. I only have myself to blame for that.”

They continued on without another word. They traveled through the ship for a while before they reached the first tier of the living quarters. Mitaka wasn’t sure why they were going this way, but he trusted Ren, strangely enough. A few more minutes passed before Ren stopped in front of a door that wasn’t the same as everyone elses'. It must have been made specially for him, Mitaka decided.

“I figured you would have a full floor of the ship all to yourself,” he mused.

Stepping up to a control pad on the wall by the door, Kylo Ren pressed a few keys in a specific order and then pressed the bigger button on the bottom left. “I have two rooms aboard this ship.” The door opened and Ren stepped inside. “Come inside.”

Mitaka looked sheepish. “I-I really don’t think-”

“I won’t bite.”

Not knowing what to expect, Mitaka was hesitant as he walked into the room. He just didn’t expect it to be so… _small_. “Pardon my straight-forwardness, but uh, where do you sleep?” Mitaka suddenly stopped in his tracks, blinking in shock. “Erm, Kylo Ren, sir, is that…?” Stopping, Mitaka frowned. “ _What_ is that?”

Ren looked at Mitaka, saw where he was staring, and then checked the spot before sitting down in a chair that had no backing or arm rests. “My grandfather’s helmet.”

Stopping at the small table, Mitaka leaned over to examine it closely. “What is it sitting on?”

“You don’t want to know.”

Standing up straight, Mitaka turned around. “If you say so, sir.”

Reaching over, Ren dragged another chair towards him and then shoved it over to Mitaka with his booted foot. “Sit.” Nodding, Mitaka adjusted the chair and then sat down. “Now, I will need to keep in constant contact with you for the first few weeks. Is that plausible?”

Mitaka shrugged. “It depends on General Hux and how busy he keeps me.”

“Tell him the next time you meet up that I will need to stay in constant contact with you.”

“Yes sir.”

Ren nodded. “Now Lieutenant, what kind of advice to you have for me regarding panic attacks?”

* * *

The door slid open and Mitaka walked out into the corridor. He then headed off, leaving Kylo Ren in his room. During their time together, General Hux had messaged him via their datapads, asking Mitaka where he was. So the Lieutenant, after reading the message finally, headed for the General’s office. It took a while to get there and the door slid open as he approached. Looking up from his datapad as he sat at the fairly small and empty desk, Hux saw who had entered. Setting the datapad down, he stood up, staring sternly at Mitaka as he stopped in front of the desk.

“There you are, Lieutenant. Where in the galactic hell have you been this whole time?”

Mitaka stood at attention. “I was with Kylo Ren, sir.”

Hux frowned. “For what purpose?”

“Well, you stormed out on him when he had a panic attack and he seemed very distressed, so I went to talk to him. We talked for a while and I managed to convince him to start taking the injections his previous physician had suggested to him in the first place. Then I escorted him to my physician’s office and they discussed Kylo Ren’s medication schedule. If he is diligent with his prescribed dosages, he should be able to go back to training and resting properly in a few weeks, just in time for the First Order’s new plans to begin.”

Hux smirked briefly. “It is about time.” There was a pause. “You did well, Lieutenant. If you keep this up, you might be able to rise to the rank of a Captain one day.”

An odd look appeared on Mitaka’s face. “With all due respect, sir, I didn’t help Kylo Ren for _you_.” A look of slight surprise appeared on Hux’s face at the tone Mitaka used to address him. When he didn’t say anything, Mitaka turned to the right, keeping an eye upon the man. “Kylo Ren has asked that I keep in diligent contact with him for the first few weeks, sir. With your permission, I would like to check on him whenever he needs me.”

Hux gave a little sneer before sitting back down. “Permission granted, Lieutenant.”

“Thank you, General.”

“You’re dismissed.” Facing the door, Mitaka walked back to it and was ready to leave, but Hux looked back up at him. “Lieutenant, one more thing.”

Stopping within the open doorway, Mitaka looked back at Hux. “Yes, sir?”

Hux moved the chair in, picking up his datapad. “From now on, _you_ will accompany Kylo Ren for his retraining. I am sure you have learned the hologrid’s controls to heart by now?”

“Yes sir, I have.”

“Good. Dismissed.”

Nodding, Mitaka finally left, taking a deep breath as he headed through the ship. Taking out his datapad seconds later, he started a secure line to recipient Knight_Ren, to tell him of the good news and Hux’s new orders. When he received a message back, Kylo Ren saying how he was extremely grateful for the Lieutenant’s help, Mitaka smiled happily, believing that everything would end in victory.


	2. Redemption Part 2

It almost seemed surreal how much easier being a Force user had become for Kylo Ren in the following two months. Everyday for three hours a day he trained in the hologrid against hundreds, sometimes thousands of hologram enemies, not once getting overwhelmed after a few weeks of training. He had become more agile and quick, struck down enemies far easier and with minimal kyber crystal malfunctions, and he was currently working towards a special goal that included the amount of holograms he destroyed and how fast he did the course in. He was only halfway there, but his confidence for improving had increased tenfold. Funny how a simple injection of combined chemicals tamed the Force’s power that once consumed every fiber of Ren’s being. And it was all thanks to the one person, that was like him, giving him all the right reasons to pursue fixing his once deteriorating mental health.

After striking down his one thousandth kill for today’s test, the program ended and Kylo Ren stood up straight, flicking down his lightsaber switch to turn the sword off. Up above, the sound of an intercom came on and a kind, enthusiastic voice came through.

“You have beaten your previous record of fourteen minutes and forty-nine seconds, Ren.”

Twirling the hilt around in his gloved hand a few times, Ren shoved it into the holster attached to his hip, then turned towards the observation window and looked up. “Be sure to put it in my records for next time, Mitaka.”

Lieutenant Dopheld Mitaka of the First Order smiled down at Ren. “It’s already done, sir!”

Ren sent a short salute gesture up to the window as thanks. “That’s enough for today. You should return to the General and inform him of my progress.”

“Of course, sir, right away.”

Mitaka was about to shut everything down when Ren spoke again. “Actually, no, scratch that.”

Turning the intercom back on, Mitaka leaned in to the mic. “Sir?”

“I have changed my mind. The General can wait. There is something I would like you to accompany me with for a short time. Meet me out in the corridor.”

“Yes, sir.”

With a nod, Ren lowered his gaze to head for the hologrid entrance. Mitaka finally got to shut down everything and then he began to leave the control room, curious to know what Ren wanted from him this time. Immediately after training, Mitaka was to report back to General Hux, as per their agreement with Kylo Ren, so he didn’t know what was happening right now. Deciding to figure it out once Ren showed him what he wanted, Mitaka quickly ran down the stairs that led up to the control room from the corridor, typed in a specific code to unlock the door from the inside when he got there, and then left at a normal pace. Just a few feet from the hologrid door, standing and waiting patiently, Kylo Ren saw Mitaka coming over.

“You do not need to worry; I only need you for a few extra minutes.”

Mitaka nodded before they began to walk side-by-side to wherever it was they were headed. “May I ask where we are going, sir?”

“You already have. And you will see. It’s a surprise.”

Mitaka blinked, not thinking a surprise from Ren was even possible. Despite the anti-anxiety medication helping the Knight avoid most panic attacks and giving him a bit more energy and life in his step, he still maintained a staunch stance that didn’t allow for much emotion to be shown. So hearing that Mitaka was going to get a surprise from Kylo Ren was a surprise in and of itself.

Eventually as they neared their destination, Mitaka began to realize the route that Ren was taking them on the Finalizer. But why would the Knight want to go there?

“Sir, why are we going to the-?”

“I already told you, it’s a surprise,” Ren interrupted. “And here I thought you had perfect patience, Lieutenant.”

“I wasn’t aware it was perfect, but okay sir, if you say so.”

They finished their walk in silence after that. Reaching the door first minutes later, Ren pressed his hand to the big open button and the large door slid to the right. Stepping aside, Ren indicated the new location with his hand.

“After you, Lieutenant.”

Still very much curious to know what Ren wanted him here at the top observation deck of the Finalizer for, Mitaka entered the vast room that was fifteen meters high, looking up at the full view windows that showed the infinite stars of outer space. He was partway in when he heard the door shut behind him, so he glanced back to see Ren come up beside him.

“Why are we here, anyway?”

Ren continued on past Mitaka, heading for a metal ladder attached to the wall. Mitaka followed and looked up to the top of the ladder where there was an alcove halfway up the wall. Without a sound, Ren climbed up as fast as he could. Mitaka grabbed the first rung and looked up in wait. As Ren stepped onto the alcove floor, the Lieutenant climbed after him at a leisurely pace. Ren was waiting for him at the top and a few feet from the ladder once he got there. Mitaka was about to ask him the same question again, but the Knight turned and continued to the window, going straight for the wall separator. Mitaka exhaled from his nose before moving towards him.

Turning around, Ren sat down with a soft grunt and then he leaned back in the corner of the separator and window. Once he was settled, he looked out the window. “Take a seat, Mitaka.”

Stopping a few feet in front of him, Mitaka gave Ren a curious look. “Do you usually come here after training?”

“Just sit down and stop asking so many questions, you fruit loop.”

Mitaka looked out the window. “Sitting on the floor is not professional in the slightest, sir.”

Ren scowled at him. “Then I _order you_ to sit down.”

Mitaka whipped his head back around. “That’s not fair, Ren!”

“Who said I have to be fair?” Mitaka glared in annoyance at him. This just made Ren chuckle. “Oh come on. You have been working super hard lately, not to mention you have to watch my ass all day, so you deserve a break to sit down for a while. So _sit_.” Mitaka was reluctant, but he turned to face the window and sat down, folding his legs underneath him. He sat completely straight with his hands resting on his knees. “Do you have to sit so stiffly?”

Mitaka glanced at Ren. “Do you always have to criticize what I decide to do and not do?”

Ren ran his tongue over his top teeth in thought. “Touché.”

Mitaka looked back out the window. “Okay then.”

“…It doesn’t look very comfortable though.” Mitaka shot Ren a glare, who laughed softly at the almost pouting look. “I think you have been around Hux for far too long.” Mitaka just shrugged while looking around at the stars through the observation window. The deck went silent for a while. Ren was staring at Mitaka with a blank look, noting the details of his face and how his shoulders just barely rose up as he breathed silently with his mouth closed in a thin line. It was faint, but Ren could also see the muscle in his neck pulsate in sync with his steady heart beat. There was just always something oddly comforting in the way the Force user could see such character in something so simple and invisible to the naked eye. “Mitaka?”

Perking up slightly, Mitaka looked at Ren. “Yes?”

After a few more seconds of staring, Ren looked out the window, showing Mitaka the deadly scar that ran from the bottom of his eye to his jawline in a diagonal line. “I wanted to thank you for all that you have done for me these last few months. That’s why I asked you to come here. So thank you.”

Mitaka blinked slightly big eyes, but then he smiled faintly. “You’re welcome, sir.”

“I might have let the Force consume me if it were not for you pushing me in the right direction.”

Mitaka’s smile got a little bigger. “I just did what I thought was right, sir. I would never want someone to suffer what I have my entire life, not even for my worst enemy. I didn’t do it for the Order or Hux or Supreme Ruler Snoke, I did it for us. I did it for all the people who have suffered through it at one time or another.” Ren just nodded before looking at a different set of star clusters. There was a long pause. “…Hey Ren?”

Glancing at Mitaka, Ren hummed, “Mh?”

Mitaka stared at him for a moment longer before getting up and moving to the separator to join Ren. The Force user was a bit surprised, especially when Mitaka relaxed back, having one leg stretched out while the other was folded under him.

“Remember when I said I couldn’t admire someone who tried to kill me?”

Ren looked away from Mitaka’s face, feeling remorse. “I do.”

Opening his eyes and gently with his elbow, Mitaka nudged Ren’s arm to get his attention. “Well I admire you for taking a chance to heal. I admire you for your respect for me and for yourself. And I don’t care if it's childish or pathetic, because I admire you for you.”

Ren was speechless, never expecting to hear such a thing. He was so dumbstruck, so enamored by Mitaka’s innocence, that he did the only thing he thought was the right thing to do to express his gratitude.

Mitaka didn’t get a chance to realize what was happening before he caught a glimpse of Ren’s gloved hand shoot past his head, felt it grab the back of it tightly with fingers digging into his slicked back hair, and finally being yanked forward from the torso-up towards Ren’s body. His eyes widened in shock at what the Knight was doing to him.

Ren held in the firm, mouth-to-mouth kiss for several seconds before letting off with a faint popping sound as the different feeling set of lips parted. Mitaka was frozen in place with the sudden turn of their professional time together. Ren stared into the Lieutenant’s stunned eyes for a moment without saying anything, just drinking him all in.

“Thank you, for everything.”

Right after he said this, Ren dropped his hand as he stood up and took semi-long strides to leave Mitaka behind in his stunned silence. He hurried down the step ladder before he did anything else drastic, dropped down a foot from the bottom, and then walked briskly for the door. A terrible silence filled the entire observation deck after the Knight left. Up on the alcove, Mitaka still had the same stunned look on his face, still feeling the aftermath of Ren’s plump, rough lips against Mitaka’s thinner and softer ones. It was as if the energy of the Force had been left behind as a reminder for him on what Ren had done. Mitaka just couldn’t believe it, couldn’t quite put his thoughts into coherent sentences at the memory. It replayed over and over in his head until it drove him over the edge, breaking him out of his trance just enough to swallow, somehow tasting Ren as he did.

For a while, Mitaka forgot that he was supposed to report back to General Hux about Ren’s training for that day, but once he remembered, he flinched out of his trance to look at the spot where Ren once sat, unsure of what to do about this. What did that kiss even mean? Was it just one of gratitude or could it possibly be-?

Closing his eyes, Mitaka shook his head hard. There was just no way in galactic hell the kiss had anything to do with Ren suddenly developing feelings for the Lieutenant, it was too absurd to be true. And yet…

Suddenly scrambling up to his feet, Mitaka rushed to the ladder, quickly went down the rungs two at a time, dropped down a few inches while turning around, and then he ran for the door, hoping to catch up to the Knight before he got too far away. What he was doing was either insane or highly inappropriate, but Mitaka didn’t care. He felt something heavy in his chest and only Ren could identify what it was for him. Mitaka just had to know the truth, no matter the consequences.

For a good ten minutes, Mitaka scoured the floors for Ren, but he seemed to have vanished out of thin air. The Lieutenant had to ask around if anyone had seen Kylo Ren come this way, but so far no one had any clues for the Knight’s whereabouts. With this much time passing, he had calmed down just enough to think more logically on where Ren might have gone. There were a few possibilities and Mitaka would check them all if he had to.

“Lieutenant Mitaka!”

Stopping halfway to his first location, Mitaka turned swiftly and stood at military attention. “Y-Yes, General!”

Hux stopped a few feet from Mitaka, staring sternly at him. “Where have you been? Kylo Ren’s training ended almost twenty minutes ago. You know of the protocol that was set between the two of you, so what are you doing all the way up here instead of my office?”

Mitaka swallowed hard. “My apologies, General. Knight Ren just wanted…he asked me to…I-”

Hux’s eyes narrowed slightly. “What is it, Lieutenant?”

There was a pause, but then Mitaka released a heavy sigh. “Nothing, General, everything’s fine. I have just been very busy helping Knight Ren, so I’m a bit overwhelmed.” Mitaka cleared his throat before continuing. “Knight Ren’s training has vastly improved today. He was able to beat his previous record of one thousand kills in less than fifteen minutes. I recorded the test in the logs and Archive. And that is my report for today.”

Hux eyed Mitaka for a few more seconds before he gave a curt nod. “Very well, then. You are dismissed.”

“Yes, General, thank you sir.”

Mitaka was about to take a new corridor when Hux stopped him with a flat command. “Take the remainder of the day off, Lieutenant. You need your rest.”

Mitaka smiled weakly at Hux while nodding. “Yes sir, thank you.”

Turning, Hux started to walk away. An idea quickly struck Mitaka then. “Erm, General?” Stopping, Hux glanced back at him. “Do you know where Knight Ren is?”

“I saw him heading for level five of the sleeping quarters on the west wing.”

“Thank you, sir.”

Nodding and then looking back ahead, Hux headed off again. Finally knowing where Ren was, Mitaka headed off too, taking the fastest route he knew of. Minutes later and he headed for a doorway, getting nervous at what he thought of doing soon. He slowed to a crawl, almost thinking twice about completing his path. But, after a hard swallow, Mitaka approached the door and expected it to open. He was both frightened and relieved that it slid open to reveal a medium-sized bedroom with nothing but a large bed set in a simple black box with wood headboard, a dresser, adjoined bathroom, and a closet. Mitaka stopped right outside the doorway, looking directly across from him to the visible bed. His face was blank as he saw Kylo Ren sitting on it with one leg stretched while the other was lifted and bent at the knee so that his arm rested on it. Hearing the door open, the Knight turned his head, saw Mitaka standing there, and then waited without a word between either of them.

Nothing happened for a long time, but soon Mitaka took another step forward, then another, and another, and then a few more to allow the door to slide closed behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> Original starting note from the drabble collection: 
> 
> Note: This idea came about after I came up with a headcanon for Mitaka when I started writing my evil/possessed!Mitaka au, where he has a biological history of panic disorder on his mother's side (I also headcanon that Mitaka didn't have a father around before he was shipped off to the Academy, and that he comes from a very poor planet, hence why he joined the First Order) So without medication to maintain it, he has acute anxiety and goes into panic attacks, usually in high-stress situations


End file.
